Every epiphany is hard to hold onto. Within seconds i can feel it drifting, more difficult to grasp. And this one: that i've found what i wished for. And though i've been happy, i didn't realize until now that what i wished for was granted.
It struck me driving across town today on a shopping run for provisions, food and drink. It struck me that i was so happy with my life. That whats come to pass in the the last year was exactly what i'd wished for. And then i went about my day forgetting this strange elation.
2007, another kaleidoscope year like the one before, refracting upon itself, the events and projections melding into one jumbled mess of living. I think that every aim whether gained or lost must still face the scrutiny of what is worthwhile. So often i've managed a feat of stability in reckless moves and undertakings that would otherwise be a success in abandon. Endlessly i have questioned each place and each job and the faces around, contrasting them with something that has never occurred. Production and success, as if i knew what such things meant.
What i wanted all along was to find a place that felt like home. A place where regardless of my job and placement upon the planet the feeling of home would resound. A counteraction of the temporality that i felt. The only way i can find my place again in this monologue is to course myself back a few years. Beautiful Idaho, greens and blues and the sandy earth sliding beneath my feet walking downslope. I filled pages then in notes to self and letters posted to other states. And every song i listened to seemed to put to words what i was feeling and how i was struggling to find the way i was feeling, what i wanted, and how i would go about realizing what exactly i was doing with my time.
And i don't know what i was doing. I believe i was trying to keep things going, to keep that forward progress and optimism rolling until something happened. Every step back into introspection and analysis seemed dangerous and threatening to stability. Minimizing the ripple effect of poor decisions and turnouts. Trying to stay on my feet and keep coming up with plausible plan Bs.
Here it is. Perhaps i tripped upon it, i don't know. It feels like i came the hard way. I can't say i deserve it, but i know its been a long time coming. I'm feeling home again.
1 comment:
I salute you! Perhaps you've found tranquility and peace and justice and everything else that I can't write just now! May god have mercy on your soul...I'm very happy for you and your revelation...for they are indeed powerful and mediating. Good luck to all and good will!
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