Monday, October 10, 2011

My girl with our new car. A good ending to this latest story.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

A few weeks back we took a camping trip along the Lost Coast, north of Mendocino, apparently named such since the mountains rise so steeply and quickly from the coast, access roads were impossible. We're about ready to attempt a summit of King Peak from the sleepy flatlands along the ocean. Melody in all her glory points onward.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I came home early this morning from a jog around the neighborhood. My next door neighbor was just coming out with a load of laundry to drag downstairs. I wished him a good morning. He paused and with a smile asked, "How's your white male privilege treating you?" A great question to which I replied, "God, I guess it's going really well." I'm still working part-part-time, underachieving, over-partaking, spending every minute with my girl counterpart. Nothing much to report. My slow beat goes on and I find little to write these days...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Andrew out there, up there, perhaps above the void circa 2011 with an old typewriter and a rifle. Probably wondering, how the hell did I get here... again? This one and every one was always for you. Yonder, mountain!
Every now and again I notice the about me profile section on my blog and at first think it needs updating, only to once again see just how lasting and fitting it is. Loss of vocational guiding forces... for life.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Taking myself and the girl up to the great Pacific Northwest. Yonder Reebs Family, here we come!

Friday, June 03, 2011


Melody is coming home again after a month trip out to New York, Los Angeles, Vegas, and now finally back to the Bay Area. I'm having a pre-drink before going out to meet the parents, trying to heed the words of today's spot on horoscope gadget on iGoogle (why the hell do I read this stuff?). Though it cracks me up, I find myself a little too interested at times, perhaps a little superstitious as well.

It's challenging to settle your nerves today because your current anxiety is coming from several different sources.....if you can be flexible enough about what is happening, you'll realize that you don't have to waste energy worrying about things you cannot control.

Hard not to be a little nervous, but I like that "things I cannot control" bit. Nice without the contraction too, more powerful. So I have a cocktail in my hand beading cold droplets and pushing repeat on the new Bon Iver record, which is absolutely phenomenal indulgent music perfect for saps like me. I'm midway through a five-day weekend...does that still count as a weekend? I work four tens Monday through Thursday, but Thursday was called off for rain and we're now moving this coming Monday's rainy forecast to next Friday, which leaves me with freedom, utter freedom. So far I've failed at sleeping in and succeeded at enormous breakfasts at home, a rarity since I work so early and prefer eating later on anyway.

I've been walking around town with my headphones on these past days, miles and miles, stopping in at coffee shops and creating errands to carry me across town with a little more purpose than not. I've been falling in love with life again. It's strange to think of it that way but I'm feeling patient these days and more suited to my surroundings than perhaps I deserve. Might be a mirage; god knows I'm a fucking fragile thing poorly paired with my compulsive behavior and headstrong action. Sometimes I can't even hang with myself. Still I raise this glass to the feeling and say I'd do it anyway and I'd do it again...

Sunday, May 29, 2011


Andrew's making the big journey this week. If you drive straight and don't screw around it's a 2,260 mile venture to western Idaho where the summer skies are blue and the mercury rises like a cold can of beer from a lawnchair's built-in cupholder overlooking a river swollen with snowmelt. That's Idaho. As far as Pittsburgh goes, nothing could be more different, and Andrew being a desperate measures kind of guy, is good with that. Ah, the great escape. The big dream. The great magnet. I wish you well.

The woman I've spent the majority of my time with down here in the lulling American Mediterranean is leaving this week as well. Her journey is 2,800 miles, eventually ending up somewhere around the country's capitol. A trip that we would all deem of epic proportions indeed, a necessary trip, and hopefully a healing one too, where she can find herself and start a new network of lovers, friends, and family. I wish her the best from the very heart of me. We did business this week, that final bargaining for the acquired things still mutually owned in one another's possession. I now outright own the car and the television, but she eventually wants the lamp back, the one with three light settings but only works on one. I acquiesced.

My dearest Grandma, the only one I ever had since my father's mother passed before my time, left on her last journey this past week. She signed off on Judgement Day. She was ninety-two and a half years old and only days away from her sixty-ninth wedding anniversary with my grandfather Douglas, who sadly left the world far too young and her alone for far too many years. We said goodbye to her this week. I hope she's finally found peace from a life of devotion and the deepest love and loss. My Grandma loved me like crazy and I would never ever be the person I am now had she not been there.

This year rebirth is in the air, the non-religious kind, the real kind. I can feel it and I welcome it. I've traveled a long winding road these past few years and though I've managed to not run away as I've done so many times in the past, I still have the strong sense of arriving somewhere. I needed to refind the Jesse that I liked more and begin investing myself in the people and places that will bring me real happiness. It's harder than it sounds. I wanted to put myself back in the arms of whatever it is that's always called me and feel that unfeigned embrace.

I got my job back and found a new appreciation for the small things. That was a big start. And the people I work with have become a new family for me. There were also a couple people I'd mixed with in my past relationship’s small radius that I went back for and found. I was tiring of the watered-down supporting cast, drinking friends, that long line of acquaintances that we all acquire... I needed some real friends, lead roles, and I was so lucky to find true friendship when I needed it most.

Then I met Melody and my heart just about overflowed. She's an angel. She makes me want to write stupid things like, She's an angel. What the hell does that mean anyway? I think it's just a feeling, those silly words, and I feel them. She’s good to me. She’s more than good to me, she’s good for me. She was immediately an old friend and lover, reminding me of a song, it's hard to put your finger on the thing that scares you most... and it is scary to feel so deeply, but I'm in love and feel grateful for this time to be happy again and moving in a direction that feels of home.